Alas, when violently your sun has set,

Such leaves have fallen, arid in your frown,

The yoke has grown too heavy through your sweat,

And rain has cruelly stormed upon your crown;

Still, I’ve remained here yet, is this not true?

I’ve carved my scars and battled your own beast,

As None halt’d my eternal love for you

I paint sweet marzipan on rage released;

And yet, when hurricanes blow my weak smile,

Your love has never once lifted a brow.

Await— this scale has tipped such unfair trial!

Where were you when my spring gave barren bough?

You had gone, as eternal one may be;

Soon tiring Time shall take me to rest free.

To My Family in Pyungyang (조선)
BY CAROLINE POWERS

Sometimes very late at night I catch myself in 

thoughts that ordinarily I would never indulge in 

Like how adrift I feel in this Godless country 

Catch myself calling a place I will never go “back home.”

I think of you all the time. 

— 

It’s easy to feel cut loose as an American. 

Everything is easy, as an American 

Born from this broken nation on this stolen earth, 

I’m always going to be an American, 

it’s by virtue of being the first born here 

it’s all I’ve ever had to know 

This evil country is full of us all; Born broken. 

This poem is about me, it’ll always be about me. 

— 

I want to know how they are, I want to see them 

I look nothing like them, I’m nothing like them. I am drifting 

Their faces swallowed up in mine 

I wonder if anyone else feels this untethered-ness 

I wonder if they are angry with me, floating away. 

I think of them all the time, 

Please don’t stay angry, when I see you again 

I think of you all the time. 

— 

Cousin. Auntie 

Do you feel it? I’m thinking of you 

I’m sorry for it all:

The war machine, the way coins scatter on a stone path 

The luck of the draw. 

Do you feel my six thousand mile heart beating?

Does it beat in a language you know? 

Cousin, auntie, we’re still here

It’s beating only for you, 

I think of you all the time.

Prorogued
BY ANONYMOUS

The heat sears into my

Skin, glasses pinched as a shield.

Every limb begging for respite and

Every street straining strength and

Every bag weighing more than the

Last moment.

The station filled with many like me

And unlike me.

No pause to capture the tracks

No hints to confirm direction

But shoulders, bags, backs of heads-

Yelling, whistling, hustling-

And I smile, drowning in the crowd.

Blue bandanas and green wristwatches

Spills tears of sadness or joy.

Or regret, or guilt, a bitter future.

But mine, never as weak as my mom’s.

Vulnerable, as she left

Her family. My family. All those years

ago for work in

another country.

Waiting for the train and shaking under her bags.

Bruised by weight.

The heat sears into my

mouth, drying my tongue and tears.

Coughing the remorse away.

My necklace choking me all the more.

The heat sears into my eyes.
The train never comes but

it doesn’t feel like waiting

anymore.

The Shoulder
BY ANONYMOUS

A shoulder to cry on is all you need.

After the earth quakes quietly crumbling all you believe.

After the ocean overflows, overwhelmingly your peace

After the wind whales uncontrollably leaving you with a bruising backlash.

After the sun scorches mercilessly leaving you with a ripping redness.

A shoulder that will embrace you just as hard as you embrace them.

A shoulder that makes you feel like you are not a burden by making it all wet.

A shoulder that will unquestionably reassure you in the middle of the night when you show up uninvited, unannounced.

A shoulder that whatever happens, will still be the shoulder we all, as humans, crave.

All sensible until…

That shoulder would worry themselves for your own sake. Worry that one day those heavy tears make your heart heavy and then become too heavy to carry. Eventually, that weight would become too heavy for the shoulder too. And then — poof. It’s gone. It leaves to go find a shoulder of its own to carry the now transferred burden blaming you for the damage.

REFLECTIONS OF LIGHT

Personal Essays / Journalism

Literary Analysis / Criticism

Flesh and Faith at War: A Reckoning of Eros and Spirit in Anna Karenina
BY CHASE AARON AGUDO

“The road to hell feels like heaven; the road to heaven feels like hell.”

-     Unknown

                Widely regarded as the father of Russian symbolism, poet and religious thinker Dmitri Merezhkovsky dubbed Leo Tolstoy the "greatest depictor" of what he called the "mysterious border-region where the struggle between the animal and the God in man takes place" (Merezhkovsky 64). In Anna Karenina, this struggle takes place on the battlefield between spirit and eros—between moral aspiration and bodily desire. Tolstoy explores the novel's three main masculine archetypes—Karenin, Vronsky, and Levin—and meditates on the consequences of an imbalance between the spirit and the flesh. At the heart of this dynamic is Anna, who acts as the erotic litmus test against the men's ability to integrate the physical and spiritual dimensions of love. Through these three relationships, Tolstoy proves that spirit without a commensurate level of eros is hollow, whereas eros divorced from spirit can only be disastrous; instead, he advocates for a harmony of the two forces to forge a love that is equally fulfilling and divine: agape. It is at this intersection of body and soul that Tolstoy delves into what it means to be human and emerges with an antidote to existential despair. 

                While Karenin's strict adherence to Christianity initially appears noble and saintly, this sanitized piety prevents him from maintaining a strong erotic or emotional connection with Anna. Tolstoy's portrayal of a sexless Karenin, devoted to cultivating an austere spirituality, critiques the incorporation of overarching Christian moralism into romantic love. Karenin's hasty retreat into lofty religiosity in response to Anna's illness reveals how excessive spirituality alienates, not reconciles, a failing relationship. When Anna calls Vronsky and Karenin to her bedside, Karenin addresses Vronsky in a moment of forgiveness: "I wished for her death…But I saw her and I forgave…I want to turn the other cheek, I want to give my shirt when my caftan is taken, and I only pray to God that He not take from me the happiness of forgiveness!" (Tolstoy 414). Commendable as it may be, this quick clemency seems inhumanly devoid of any emotional input from Karenin, furthered by Vronsky’s feeling that Karenin's reaction "was something lofty and even inaccessible to him in his world-view" (Tolstoy 415). Karenin's grandeur reduces into a desperate attempt at forbearance; presenting as misguided and curiously weak, the cuckold can only mimic agape’s unconditionality. Such a reflexive turn to God reflects an inability to process human emotion, and instead of bolstering his faith, Karenin virtually emasculates himself. 

                This lack of inner strength and masculinity underneath Karenin's self-conscious spirituality results in Anna's resentment towards Karenin. In a conversation with Stepan Arkadyich following her sickness, Anna laments: "I hate him for his virtues…the look of him affects me physically, I get beside myself…though I know he's a good and excellent man and I'm not worth his fingernail, I hate him even so…" (Tolstoy 427). As the novel's erotic barometer, Anna feels physically repulsed by Karenin's spirituality—her own body, literally and metaphorically, rejects such a disembodied piety. Given that her act of adultery originates from erotic starvation, Karenin must provide an appropriately human response as Anna’s masculine counterpart. Unfortunately, this responsibility falls on immaterial, spiritual shoulders, which have no substantiality in the practical world. Even if he is a "good and excellent" man, Karenin's inability to access genuine emotion leaves him hopelessly ill-equipped in the emotional realm and woefully unprepared to support Anna. 

                If sex is "the point at which body meets spirit," then Karenin's spirit blocks, instead of bridges, Anna's need for visceral recognition (Cook 122). Anna tries to excavate within her husband a manliness that can satisfy her erotically and spiritually but finds neither spirit, eros, nor agape. Karenin can only approach marriage with a superficiality that lacks the emotional scaffolding needed to sustain a healthy bond with Anna, who, caught in a sexual drought, jumps at the chance to drink from the deceptive oasis of Vronsky's sexual appeal. Through Karenin's failure to incorporate humanity—passion, jealousy, desire—into his marriage, Tolstoy demonstrates how indulgent piety fails the individual in every arena of life and frames brazen faith as a tool more sterile than sacred.

                If Karenin represents the dangers of overzealous spirituality, Vronsky stands as his erotic opposite. By prioritizing human desire and jettisoning spirituality entirely, Vronsky embodies C.S. Lewis' characterization of eros as "the carnal or animally sexual element" of love (Lewis 131). The most immediate danger of overindulged eros is the belying of genuine connection, as illustrated by the consummation of Vronsky and Anna's affair. Instead of describing the adulterers' act, Tolstoy opts to depict the emotional fallout that follows. Vronsky, having lured Anna away from her husband, feels "as a murderer must feel when he looks at the body he has deprived of life…this body deprived of life was their love" (Tolstoy 149). Like Adam and Eve after partaking of the forbidden fruit, Vronsky and Anna flounder in a disarrayed cloud of shame and loss. Their affair embodies a fall from grace whose narrative silence mirrors the exclusion of spirituality by the couple, who, by yielding to their base desires, withdraw into the animalistic side of eros, effectively separating them further from God. This sacrificial eroticism predicts Anna's suicide through the death of Froufrou, Vronsky's horse. Before he crashes Froufrou, Vronsky realizes that "[in failing] to keep up with the horse's movement, he, not knowing how himself, had made a wrong, an unforgivable movement" and cries, "A-a-ah, what have I done!" (Tolstoy 199-200). This moment of defamiliarization—when bodily sensation overtakes conscious awareness—parallels Vronsky's erotic downfall with Anna: just as he abandons his better judgment during the thrill of the horse race, so does he permit the same estrangement to disconnect him from moral responsibility when he has sex with Anna. Froufrou's death, although accidental, stems from Vronsky's inability to integrate body and soul, and it is this selfish prioritization of desire later drives Anna to suicide. In the prolepsis of Vronsky's horror through Froufrou's tragic accident, Tolstoy affirms that when eros obscures spirituality, the consequences are deadly. 

                Vronsky's shaky spirituality subtly uncovers itself when he gazes at a painting of Christ by the artist Mikhailov. Observing solely the artist's technique and ignoring the religious overtones of the painting itself, Vronsky exclaims, "That's technique!" to a disheartened Mikhailov (Tolstoy 474). Vronsky, like Karenin, fails to register the humanity that Anna embraces. Consequently, she delights Mikhailov after observing the sadness in Christ’s face as he stands before Pilate, whereas Vronsky bypasses such emotion—the very foundation of agape!—as if removed from feeling entirely. Vronsky simultaneously fills Anna’s erotic void while exacting a toll on her heart, leaving her beholden to another man unable to level with her in the human realm of thoughts and feelings. At best, Vronsky can only comprehend the surface-level aesthetics of religion and faith, like how only appearances appeal to Karenin. Both men are superficial, and this vacuity shows in each of their empty relationships with Anna. Merezhkovsky's "struggle between the animal and the God in man" collapses as the animal overtakes God in Vronsky's untempered sexuality (Merezhkovsky 64). Lacking the ballast of proper spirituality, Vronsky becomes a critique of unchecked desire shielded from responsibility; just as Karenin's faith without eros yields deficits in Tolstoy's moral economy, Vronsky's eros, detached from spirit, proves just as incapable of achieving agape.

                If Tolstoy presents Karenin as the manifestation of stern abstinence from eros, and Vronsky as eros’ strongest adherent, then Levin emerges as the golden middle ground between the two extremes. The novel's male protagonist wrestles with the disparities between spirit and eros rather than opting for one over the other. This harmony allows Levin to transcend both his erotic and existential difficulties to uncover agape—the selfless, unconditional love that ensures an equal fulfillment of the physical and spiritual. Levin's capacity for this integration shines when he visits Anna in Moscow. Levin, in the atmosphere of the urbane and sybaritic Moscow, stands at risk of a spiritual fall. Anna’s erotic allure immediately pulls at Levin, and he almost succumbs to the devil on his shoulder when he "glance[s] once more at…[Anna's] figure as she took her brother's arm…and felt a tenderness and pity for her that surprise[s] him" (Tolstoy 700). For the first time since marrying Kitty, Levin momentarily looks at another woman through the lens of desire. However, before he falls into the same sensualism that consumed Vronsky, Levin quickly realizes that "there was something not right in the tinder pity he felt for Anna" (Tolstoy 702). Despite being shaken by the encounter, Levin finds balance when he reconciles with Kitty: although Anna's sexuality has rocked Levin's uprightness, the literal and metaphysical return home allows Levin to restore his moral pendulum to equilibrium. While Anna weaponizes eros to triangulate Vronsky's affection, Kitty grounds her husband in an emotionally stable and fulfilling bond that brims, but does not overflow with, erotic energy. By refusing Anna's enchantment and relying on his true connection with Kitty, Levin proves capable of tempering desire with fidelity and moves one step closer in his journey to achieving agape.

                If Anna tested the boundaries of his Eros, Levin's existential crisis tests his spiritual resolve. Although Kitty finds happiness in her motherhood and marriage, the philosophically conflicted Levin struggles with a spiritual chasm that drives him to contemplate suicide. Levin does not resort to theology, however, nor does he indulge in the throes of desire; his breakthrough comes from the embodied storge he uncovers for his son, Mitya, which acts as a prerequisite to cultivating his sense of agape. After a storm threatens to harm Mitya, Levin shares how, in fear for his son’s safety, he "realized how much [he] loved Mitya" (Tolstoy 814). In pulling Levin out of his inner turmoil, Mitya becomes not only the physical fruit of the couple's aptitude for Eros but also the solacing evidence of a moral universe for his father to confide in. Levin may never ascertain the answers to his existential questions; but insofar as he can partake of the spiritual wellspring offered by fatherhood accompanied by a constant stream of healthy eroticism with Kitty, he has all the strength he needs to lead a meaningful life. 

​

                In the novel's final pages, Levin remarks:

​

                                This new feeling hasn't changed me, hasn't made me happy or

                                suddenly enlightened, as I dreamed—just like the feeling for my

                                son…my whole life…is not only not meaningless, as it was before,

                                but has the unquestionable meaning of the good which it is in my

                                power to put into it! (Tolstoy 817)

                In Kierkegaardian fashion, Levin leaps—not necessarily into faith, but into a deep metaphysical trust in the simultaneously unknowable but ever-reassuring good. The realization of his agape serves as a reminder that when the Lewisian "animal" and "God" in a man work together, no storm, erotic or existential, can hinder one's path. Whereas Karenin and Vronsky fail through their imbalance, Levin succeeds through his wholeness.

                In Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle posits that "Every art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and pursuit, is thought to aim at some good" (Aristotle 3). Likewise, the "goodness" of every target upon which every action aims remains in flux. With the dimensions of spirit and eros, Tolstoy presents a series of such targets with the stories of Karenin, Vronsky, and Levin. On the one hand, Karenin's Icarian ascent into spirituality strips him of humanity; on the other hand, Vronsky, under the weight of his perpetually unsatiated desires, stumbles into animality. Likewise, Anna becomes consumed by her ego, and, having looked inside herself to find nothing left, she ends her life. Only Levin, through personal strife and existential hardship, can walk the narrow yet rewarding path between flesh and spirit—and in doing so, arrive at love in its highest form: agape. In the end, Anna Karenina is Tolstoy's reminder that, in the battle between the animal and God, the best outcome is a human reconciliation.

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THE MIRROR'S BLOOM

Short Stories

PART ONE

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Aurelia 

~*~ 

My cheeks were aflame with mortification as I slowly stood and gathered my belongings. God, I couldn’t believe it. My first day and I was late. 

                I’d been in my shared, on-campus four-bedroom apartment for less than a week, and yet I’d still managed to map out the entirety of my university’s campus. But despite everything I’d done to ensure otherwise, I had still been late. 

                Stupid freaking alarms. 

                Filing out of the row of seats in the amphitheater of a classroom, I followed my new classmates out, keeping my head ducked low to avoid the gazes of the people I passed. Damnit. I didn’t even know why I was so worried about what they all thought anyway – it’s not like I was going to be sticking around or anything. Because as much as having a degree majoring in English sounded awesome and like my life finally had some meaning, it wasn’t what I was really here for. 

                No. Not even close. 

                Oxford University prided itself on being the first university to open in England. It had a ‘rich history’ as my tour guide had said when she’d shown the new residential students around the place. It had supposedly been founded in the year 1096, and blah, blah, blah… God that woman hadn’t known a damn thing about the place she was supposed to be guiding people around. 

                No. The ‘history’ she’d been raving so much about was fake – a complete and utter fabrication that’d been written and designed by humans to cover up the bastardly truth of such a ‘prestigious’ institution. Just like with most things that’d been tainted by the human race. 

                Because, unlike that tour guide, I knew that Oxford had existed for far, far longer than the nine hundred and twenty-nine years most people thought it had. As did my father – or at least, according to his journal he had. 

                I would never know for certain since he sure as hell hadn’t told me shit before he died. “Ahem.” 

                My thoughts were rather rudely interrupted by a pair of beaten-up looking black boots that entered into my line of sight – well, that and the throat that someone had cleared pointedly, too. Startled, I yanked my downcast gaze up from where I’d been staring purposefully at the floor. Only to meet a pair of eyes so dark and…lifeless that I had to stop myself from physically recoiling. 

                A shudder worked its way up my spine as I forced myself to stay put. 

                God. There was just…something about those eyes. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on what, though. 

                Tearing my gaze away from those eyes, I sucked in a sharp breath as I took in the face they belonged to. ‘Beautiful’ didn’t even begin to describe the man that stared back at me. His hair was ebony black – the colour almost matching that of his eyes – and was cropped close to the sides of his head but left curly on top to form a bit of an oddly well styled mop. His pale skin was somewhat golden, radiating a bright and healthy glow. The lines of his face were a conflicting mix of pointed, defined and soft – and yet, they all seemed to just fit. Somehow. He blinked rapidly – once, twice, thrice – shaking his head as if to clear it. Then those eyes caught and held mine in their alluring stare.

                The stranger opened his mouth, as if he were about to say something, but someone else beat him to it. “Kayde? What’re you doing…?” The newcomer’s words died off as a pair of vibrant, pale blue eyes met mine – or as much as they could at least since I sure as hell wasn’t looking away from the first ones. “Oh.” 

                The rest of the world continued around us, people shoving past to get out of the classroom. But the three of us just stood there, motionless, as unmovable as boulders in a raging stream. 

                Shaking his head, the one with dark eyes stepped forward, sticking out his hand as he appeared to fix an open and approachable smile on his face. It was almost like he was one of the professional politicians that were often shown on television. “Hi–” 

                Before he could say another word, though, I stepped back, as if doing so would somehow spare me from any possible form of attachment. 

                Psht. I could almost laugh at the absolute bullshit my own mind had sprouted in that moment. But I didn’t. Instead, I just edged to the side before ducking around the two insanely handsome men. 

                Maybe if I just kept my head down and focused on getting out of there, I could just shrug off the entire incident like it’d never happened… 

                But even as I thought about it, I heard the telltale sound of pounding footfalls coming up behind me. Well, there goes that plan. 

                A second later, I felt a large, warm hand land on my shoulder, halting my escape from this classroom that was turning out to be more of a cage than a place of learning. “Hey, wait.” The male with the dark eyes – Kayde, or something – panted slightly. 

                Tensing, I prepared to throw him off me as he started to turn me in place. And yet, despite my better judgement, I couldn’t quite move to do it when I looked up and met those strange eyes. 

                Shit. What the hell was wrong with me?

                Absolutely everything, and yet nothing all at once. If that was even possible. Guess it is now. 

                My heart pretty much stalled as he offered me a half grin. “You forgot this,” he said, holding out one of my black pens. Damnit, I must have dropped it in my haste to get away from him and his friend. 

                Breathing out a small sigh of something that I was almost ashamed to call relief; I took the pen from his outstretched hand while mumbling a quick “Thanks”. Turning, I didn’t dare look back over my shoulder at the man – or his friend hovering a step behind him – before moving to leave again. 

                “I’m Kayden by the way,” he called out after me. “And this is Jay,” he added a moment later and I didn’t even have to look to know that he’d undoubtedly just gestured half-heartedly to his tall, if quiet friend. 

                I knew that I shouldn’t; forming any connections in my short time here would just lead to heartbreak down the road. And yet, despite that, I still found myself stowing those little tidbits of information away. 

                I was here for a purpose: find and retrieve the dragon egg. I needed to remember that.

                But…Kayden… 

                Crap. I was in so much goddamn trouble.

​

Kayden 

~*~ 

God, what the hell was I doing?

                It had been a week since I’d first laid eyes on that girl – Aurelia Everhart, if our professor was to be believed. And yet, it didn’t matter where I went or who I was with, she just seemed to…linger in the back of my mind. 

                It’d definitely made starting classes in this human prison of a school hard – harder than it should’ve been.

                “What’re you thinking about?” 

                I almost jumped as Jay slipped into our shared dorm room. When I glanced up, his ebony skin showed the small signs of sweat that often showed up after a run. At least one of us was still maintaining our fitness regime. 

                I was meant to as well. Especially considering the fact that we weren’t meant to use our supernatural abilities such as strength, speed and endurance unless it was a last resort. Which meant stupid human strength, being slow as hell, and having the endurance of a weakling. After all, we weren’t exactly just two regular humans attending the institution they now called Oxford. No, we were here for one reason and one reason only: to protect the last surviving dragon egg - mainly from human greed and idiocy. An infinitely rare and precious thing that, for some reason, my ancestors had decided to leave here of all places. 

                And yet, nothing seemed to matter except for Aurelia. There was just something about her…

                “Kayden?” 

                Whipping my head up, my heart sped into a pounding gait. “Huh?” 

                Shaking his head in what could only be exasperation, Jay wandered over to the trunk at the end of his little cot of a bed. “I said, ‘What’re you thinking about?’” 

                Silence stretched out between us – as strained as it’d ever been. 

                We’d been close since the day we were born. Our mothers had grown up knowing each other and they’d made damn sure that we’d known each other too. We’d been as thick as thieves despite our supposedly different ‘social classes’. I was raised to be a prince of the world the humans had attempted to wipe off the face of the earth all those centuries ago. But Jay had been raised for this – to rotate in and out of Oxford all to protect the egg. 

                Two completely different lives; yet, here we both were. Together, living the life that I’d always wanted and the one that Jay had been destined for as all malakhim were – though they were more commonly known to humans as angels. 

                But something was different. This girl… I couldn’t get her out of my head. Her beautiful long wine-red hair and hazel-coloured eyes haunted my every move. Constantly lingering despite how much I wished otherwise over the past five weeks.

                “It’s her, isn’t it? You’re thinking about that girl.” Jay perched on the edge of his perfectly made bed, scanning me from head to toe. Whatever he saw caused him to turn his head away, his mouth tightening at the corners. “You know what Queen Rayna will do. A human doesn’t belong in our world, Kayde. It’s only going to do more harm than good, and you know it.” 

                Shaking my head, I sprang to my feet from where I’d been sitting on our shared floor surrounded by my textbooks. “It’s not that…” My words died off as I took in Jay’s sceptical look. “Okay, it is that. But there’s more,” I semi-lied. “There’s just something about her… She’s got a reason for being here – and it’s not to get a degree,” I added before the smartass could make some sarcastic comment. “I don’t know how I know it. I just…do.” 

                Sighing, I wandered over to lean against the wall across from him, resting my head against the plaster. “Does that make any sense?” 

                Snorting, my oldest friend leaned forward, balancing his elbows on his knees. “I think you might’ve hit your head one too many times.” 

                “And I think you know that I’m right,” I bit back through clenched teeth.

                Rolling his eyes, Jay sat back, balancing his weight on his hands. “Even if that is the case, what do you think she’s here for then?” 

                Leveling a bland glare on him, I replied in a deadpan voice, “What are we here for?” 

                “The egg? Really?” Shaking his head again, Jay jumped up from where he’d been sitting. “But we ensured that humans would never know about the egg’s existence…” 

                “You and I both know that those wards aren’t foolproof. That’s why we’re here after all.” 

                “That’s why I’m here, you mean. You’re meant to be back home studying to become the next king of the Lost World.” He shook his head for a third time, like he was attempting to dismiss me despite the almost laughable fact that it was literally illegal for him to do so. But I could see it, that seedling of doubt. That little voice of reason inside his head that actually saw the merit behind my words.

                “I’m not saying we should report it or anything…I’m just proposing a…stakeout. Just to be safe.” I shrugged, watching him start to pace the space of what little area remained free of the crap on our cluttered floor. 

                “And when exactly do you propose we do this, oh wise one?” My friend’s tone was dry, sarcastic as he continued wearing a path in our floor – though his footsteps were noticeably more calmer now than they’d been moments ago. But it was the question itself that told me all that I really wanted to know; I’d won. 

                “Tonight. It’s a full moon tonight. I don’t think she’s going to drag it out if she doesn’t have to.” 

                Raising a brow, Jay opened his mouth as if to say something before snapping it closed and looking away. Almost as if he’d thought better of it. Which was…odd, to to say the least. “What?” I couldn’t help but ask.

                “Nothing. You just…for a second, you reminded me of…him.” 

                “Oh.” Understanding and sorrow swept through me as I comprehended what he was saying – and all that he wasn’t. His father. The man who’d practically raised me, too – even if it may have been against his better judgement. Pushing off from against the wall, I quickly crossed the distance between us before resting my hands on his shoulders, waiting for him to look up and meet my gaze before saying, “Let’s make him proud.” 

                “Yeah…” 

                It’d been five years since we’d lost Rydon – Jay’s father – in an incident with some humans on the border of our lands. And yet, we all still felt his loss as keenly as if it had just happened last week – Jay especially. 

                Knowing that there was no other way to truly get rid of the soul-deep pain in my best friend’s eyes, I decided a change of subject was in our best interests. “Hey,” I said, nudging him playfully. “Ten gold marks says I’m right about Aurelia.” 

                Snorting out a choked laugh, Jay nudged me back. I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief when I saw the light return to his eyes, humour dancing in those pale blue depths. “You’re on.”

​

Aurelia 

~*~ 

The bound leather cover of my father’s journal was worn, the protective material showing signs of not only age, but also the well caring love I’d seen him show the book. I knew the pages inside were yellowing and worn, yet the ink was still as clear as the day it’d been used to scribble the words onto the page in my father’s familiar scrawl.

                Even just looking at it now, I felt that empty, broken piece of an abyss inside of me ache in that horribly familiar way I’d grown all too accustomed to over the past few months. 

                Tracing shaky fingers over the emblem that’d been stamped onto the cover – a circle with the viking-like symbol of a dragon on it – I sucked in a deep breath before finally opening the book. The pages were sleek and smooth, the mostly black ink long since dried. I ran my fingers over the first page before flicking through to the page I’d marked the last time I’d had the guts to search through the contents of the mostly fictional sounding journal. The contents of which held his ‘research’, as he’d once claimed when I’d asked years ago. 

                Little did I know what that ‘research’ truly entailed.

                But even as I scoured through the familiar pages, it wasn’t the contents of the journal, the plan I’d finally enact tonight or even the man who’d written it that my mind wandered towards. No. It was something else entirely.

                Kayden. 

The man – his name, face, voice, anything about him, really – just…lingered. When I was awake, in my sleep. Everywhere. He was just…there. It wasn’t simply weird. It was annoying and distracting. 

                Despite only sharing one class together, he was still always there. In the halls, at the shops, in the library… It was like he was a reaper or something ridiculous like that. Tasked with haunting me for the rest of my days.

                A knock on my room’s door tugged me out of my spiraling thoughts.

                Glancing up, I turned to face the dark wood of my door, snapping the notebook in my hands shut before calling out loud enough for the person on the other side to hear, “Come in.”

                A second later, the door swung open with a small squeak, revealing one of my roommates’ faces. 

                Maybel’s collarbone length honey coloured hair had been pulled away from her freckled face into a half up, half down hairstyle, making her pale skin and defined features stand out more than usual. In the six weeks that had passed since move-in day, Maybel had become the person I was closest to out of everyone here – definitely out of my roommates, at least. 

                Despite that, however, she was also one of the last people I ever wanted to see knocking on my door when it was originally shut. Whenever she did, it was either because something bad had happened, or because she was determined to see if I’d join her in going to a party – something that I’d shot down every single time without fail. And judging by the fact that it was now dark outside and the skimpy but not too revealing black dress she was wearing, I was betting heavily on it being the latter. 

                Ugh. Great.

                Something about my face must’ve given away my thoughts because it took all of a second for Maybel to put on the big puppy dog eyes that I’d become all too accustomed to – it was an art that she’d truly mastered in her nineteen years of life. Her soft brown eyes were pleading as she cut in before I could utter a single word, “I know what you’re about to say-”

                “Do you? Do you really?”

                “-but I really think that you should come. Just this once. Give it a try. It’ll be worth it, I promise”

                I’d already started shaking my head by the time she’d finished speaking. We’d had this discussion once or twice every single weekend since moving in together. And despite her being the only person I thought I’d actually miss from this place once I was gone, my answer was still the same as every time she’d asked me before. “No.”

                “Please, Aura,” she begged, dragging the words out into a big, long, hideous whine. “Pretty please with sugar on top? I genuinely think you’ll have fun.”

                Fat chance of that happening. “I’m sorry, May. But I’m going to sit this one out.”

                Crossing her arms in a way that I knew meant she was in no way ready to give up yet – a look I’d become a bit too used to – she leaned back on the balls of her feet and narrowed her eyes at me. “What? Like the last eleven times I’ve asked? No. I’m not taking no for an answer this time. Get dressed. You’re going.”

                Shit. Had I really said no eleven times already? I couldn’t help but wince as I understood why the only person in the world who I could really consider a ‘friend’ was being so insistent. 

                Maybe…maybe I could go…just this once.

                She didn’t know that come tomorrow, I’d be gone. That once I had the egg of the last dragon, I’d disappear and it’d be almost like I’d never existed in the first place. 

                And, despite telling myself that I’d leave without forming any attachments whatsoever when I came here, I knew that I’d miss her once I was gone – even though she was probably one of the most incessantly annoying people I’d ever met in some regards.

                So, making a quick plan in my head, I made up my mind. Before I could talk myself out of it, I took a deep breath before finally muttering a resigned, “Fine,” and sealing my fate for the night.

                With an overly excited, high pitched squeal, my roommate launched towards me, her arms outstretched as she yanked me up from where I’d been seated cross-legged on the soft, plush rug on my floor. 

                But even as Maybel bustled around, helping me get ready for the night, there was only one thought going through my mind.What had I gotten myself into?

~*~

Those six words that had been on repeat in my mind earlier in the evening when Maybel had dressed me up like a barbie doll were now practically an echoing beat to my heart. Seriously: what the actual hell had I gotten myself into.

                It’d taken the other girl all of an hour to finish playing dress up with me. An hour for her to straighten my hair, do my makeup in what she called a “smokey eye” style, and to flick through my wardrobe and declare all of my clothes too inferior to wear to a party and shove an emerald green dress from her own collection into my hands before demanding I put it on. 

                Why did I agree to this again?

                Because I had a stupidly guilty conscience, that’s why.

                Ugh.

                And now, here I was, all dressed up in a skimpy green dress, with makeup on and my naturally loosely curled hair straightened, only to be standing as far removed from the party as physically possible while still being close enough to be considered in attendance. 

                This was so not my scene. I should’ve known it the second Maybel had gone through my wardrobe like a predator after its prey. Should’ve known it when I’d suggested wearing the only ‘nice’ outfit I had and she’d practically turned her nose up at it. 

                God. Since when was a girl wearing pants to a party considered inappropriate? This wasn’t the nineteenth century for crying out loud. It was twenty-twenty-five. A modern era where, yes, girls now wore skimpy as all hell dresses, but it was now actually considered appropriate to be wearing pants instead.

                Between the clothes, makeup, hair, loud music and swarming mass of people, I was just about ready to leave. I didn’t mind the black heels Maybel had insisted I’d wear, but everything else? They had me regretting every single life choice that’d led me here, to this moment.

                But even worse? I seemed to be the only one not flitting around like a social butterfly. Knowing anyone and everyone whilst fitting in everywhere. And the queen of it all had to be Maybel. If I hadn’t known that she really lived with me, I would’ve thought she owned the entire damn place. 

                And yet, something about it all just made me feel infinitely lonely. Like I didn’t belong.

                Which, truthfully, I didn’t. But for some reason, I found my heart aching with a hollow, pulsing emptiness that I hadn’t felt in years, yet one that I was all too familiar with. Loneliness.

                It’d only been me and my dad growing up. My mum had died before I could remember in a vicious car accident – at least according to my father. He hadn’t exactly liked talking about her. But that meant it’d just been me and him, the two of us against the world.

                Quite literally apparently considering his notes on Oxford, the dragon egg and the Lost World. You control the dragon egg, then you control the Lost World. You control the Lost World, then the humans will be a piece of cake. 

                Whilst they’d managed to drive out those with magic in their veins during the war, things were different now. Knowledge of the world that’d been hidden right under our feet had become extremely limited, with only a few people knowing because they’d been told. Which meant that those with magic had the advantage of surprise.

                But that wasn’t why I wanted the egg. Not even close.

                No. I wanted it to get away from here. To get away from this godforsaken plane of existence.

                According to my father’s notes, the dragons had been hunted into extinction because they had the unique ability to summon the Erebyss. I hadn’t found a reference of it anywhere in any human texts that I’d searched. But from what I understood, the Erebyss was like a tear between the space-time curriculum that very few beings could open. And dragons just happened to be the most accessible of those beings once upon a time.

                The night drifted on as I tried to stay as removed from the party as possible, all while thinking over my plan. 

                Perhaps it was actually kind of perfect that Maybel had dragged me here tonight of all nights. Tonight was a full moon – something that would make finding and securing the egg in the underground chamber beneath the library I’d found in the time I’d spent scouting out the gazillion libraries it could’ve possibly been. In the end, it’d been almost exactly where the journal had claimed. Still though, who knew that a single educational institute needed so many libraries? 

                Just when I was contemplating leaving, the semi-peace that I’d managed to maintain throughout most of this cursed outing came under threat. The queen of the party, Maybel, was headed my way. And with her came the giant group of people that’d flocked her the entire night. All of whom were now headed straight towards me. 

                Letting out a long suffering sigh, I glanced down at the drink clutched tightly in my hand. I did my best to relax – hopefully saving the plastic cup from feeling too much of my wrath. Shaking my head at my antics, I could only loosen my muscles so much as I felt my body locking up. 

                I’d known that escaping the social and the mingling aspects of a party was going to be possible. Especially if Maybel had anything to say about it. But did she really have to force me to mingle in what was genuinely starting to look like a giant swarm?

                Before I could even think about ducking away, though, the first of the mass reached me. The closest of whom just had to be the arrogant ass known as Tyler. 

                A shudder worked its way up my spine, but it was too late to hide from sight. Especially as what had to be the campus’s number one bully turned his beady dark brown eyes on me. 

                “Aurelia, right?” he asked, almost like he was trying to be…pleasant. But if anything, it just made my skin crawl.

                It wasn’t that he was necessarily unpleasant looking or that the small sneer of a smile he was directing my way truly meant anything to me. It was the fact that he was trying to act somewhat decent despite the fact that I’d already seen through his cobweb of a facade, straight to the bully inside. That, and the fact that I knew damn well that he already knew my name.

                Luckily, I was saved from having to scrounge up a polite response by Maybel cutting in. “Leave her alone, Tyler. She doesn’t need you hounding her all night.” 

                With a snort, someone else in the crowd called out, “No one does.”

                Turning uncomfortable yet gratitude filled eyes to my roommate, I finally summoned the courage to do the one thing that I’d been wanting to do since the moment we’d arrived. “I think I’m going to turn in early. Are you alright to get yourself back to the apartment?”

                I couldn’t help but cringe inwardly when my friend’s beautiful face fell slightly, all but preparing for her to argue for me to stay again. But instead, a second later, she merely nodded before offering a small, if slightly dejected, smile. “Sleep well,” was all she said.

                Letting out a sigh of relief, I reached out to clasp Maybel’s hand and squeezed gently while offering a small, thankful smile. “Thank you.”

                And with that, I discarded my drink before shoving my way out of this hellscape of an event. It was only once I was back on the street again that I was able to take my first full breath for the night. 

                Glancing down the street to my left – the way that’d take me back to the room I’d secretly stripped bare before I’d left earlier – I couldn’t help but whisper a quiet but surprisingly heartfelt goodbye to the slice of a normal life I’d actually managed to build for myself while here. With a silent, burning tear rolling down my cheek, I looked up at the full moon once more before turning in the other direction and walking away. 

                Walking away from Maybel and the friends that I could have had. Away from my degree and the life that could’ve come with it. Away from the mysterious Kayden and his friend, Jay. 

                Away from it all. 

                Instead, I walked towards the bag I’d stowed away with my minuscule personal belongings. Towards the new life that awaited me.

~*~

It’d been easy to find the bag I’d hidden away, to change into the black clothes and boots and finally rid myself of the dress that’d surely haunt my nightmares in the years to come. Though I did tuck the heels Maybel had lent me into my bag instead of discarding them as I perhaps should have, unable to part with them for some ridiculous reason. 

                It had been barely any trouble to slip past the security guard and find the hidden entrance that would lead me into the system of underground chambers that existed beneath the school. Just as it took almost no effort to find the chamber I needed and grabbed the egg. 

                God. I was so ready for this night to be over.

                It was only when I’d just stepped out of the earthen, underground chamber, the large, warm black dragon egg in hand, that I stopped dead in my tracks.

                “Well, this is certainly an…interesting surprise,” drawled a deep, painfully familiar, masculine voice from the shadows. 

                Shit. Jay. But why the hell was he down here? And if he was here, then where was Kayden? 

                As if on cue, a low, threatening growl rang out in the strained silence, causing my heart to jump into my throat. The sound was anything but human. 

                Pursing my lips in a vain attempt to disguise the reaction, I levelled a glare on the man leaning against the wall across from me. Jay’s dark clothing and black boots blended well in the shadows, though I could still see him – barely. In the thin shafts of moonlight filtering in through the ceiling, I could clearly make out the anger that was plainly written on every line of his features – the set of his mouth, the way his brows furrowed as he glared at me from between narrowed eyes… It all practically screamed rage. 

                Then I glanced down at where Jay had his feet crossed, one over the other. But that’s not what took my attention. No. It was the giant wolf with pitch black fur and dark, flat, almost dead eyes. 

                A pair of eyes that I’d know anywhere. And yet, there was still no fathoming what I was seeing before my very eyes despite logically knowing it could be true. Kayden. 

                A shiver tiptoed down my spine as those strange eyes met and held mine. Retreating step by step, I slowly backed away, tightening my grip on the egg as I went. Perhaps if I just kept slowly backing away then maybe I could put enough distance between the guys and myself for me to escape… 

                As if they’ll ever let me get that far before stopping me. 

                Taking another step back, I jolted as my back met something unexpectedly warm and hard. Not like the stone wall type hard, more like…flesh covering packed muscles. It wasn’t until a pair of rough, calloused hands landed on my arms that I truly comprehend what was happening. 

                Oh shit. 

                Face draining of colour, Jay practically leapt off the wall as he scrambled to stand at attention with his feet braced shoulder width apart, shoulders back and hands tucked behind them. But it was the wolf’s wide eyes and slightly agape maw that truly had my heart leaping into my throat. 

                Never before had I seen those dark depths so alight with anything – so…alive. Especially not with the concern, and perhaps even a dash of fear, that I saw churning there. Goddamnit. I was about to die, wasn’t I? 

                “Well, this is certainly…interesting.” I could practically hear the disdain dripping from the melodic, feminine that came from somewhere behind me as she repeated a slightly different version of Jay’s earlier words. The distinct sound of heels clacking against stone echoed around the enclosed chamber before the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on stepped into view. 

                She had curled, luxurious blonde hair that looked for all the world like it could be spun gold. Even from this awkward angle, I could see the woman’s eyes were dark and flat – and familiar, even though I could’ve sworn I’d never seen her before in my life. Her olive skin seemed to glow with health, even in the musty stone chamber we were in. She could’ve only been a few years older than me at most. Everything about her screamed youth – all except for the inexplicably ancient light that seemed to dance in those strangely dark, ominous depths. 

                I could’ve stared at her for hours. She was breathtaking in an endlessly composed and dignified way. 

                Or I would have, had she not turned and fixed her attention solely on the wolf who was now standing as still as a statue – so still that I could hardly tell if he still breathed or not. “Nikolai Leonardo Jasiah Kayden Christopher Valentino, start talking. Now.” 

                Slumping slightly in what I could only describe as resignation, a blinding flash of light filled the chamber, right where the wolf had been standing. Stumbling a step back, I bumped into that rock hard chest again as I attempted to shield my eyes from the sudden bright light. 

                Blinking stars out of my vision, by the time I managed to look again, the wolf was gone. And in its place, Kayden crouched, staring at the floor like it held the answers to life before finally saying in a mumbled yet oh-so-clear voice, “What are you doing here, mother?”